So like. queen_qing and evocates are planning on coming over here to the Philippines and being the magnificent troll that I am, I came up with an absolutely fool-proof, guaranteed-to-create-natsukashii-memories welcoming gesture for them. In the grand tradition of my family, to win your loved ones' affection and attention you must DANCE FOR IT. LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW.

And I plan on persuading, coercing, blackmailing, possibly drugging miir and greyrook_22 and any netling who lives in the Philippines who is dumb enough to give me their contact information to do it. But hey. I don't want you feel like you're going to miss out on all the fun. YOUR VOICE WILL BE HEARD. YOU GET TO CHOOSE WHAT I HUMILIATE EVERYONE INVOLVED WI--- i mean. ENTERTAIN EVERYONE WITH.

( THE CHOICES ...NOW WITH ACTUAL POLLING )

Poll #1471910
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 16

SO WHAT NUMBER SHALL WE WOO OUR VISITORS WITH?

Got any other suggestions? For Mia, tell me the ways you will kill me for this.

...because there was this one guy i didn't know who voted on the plurk one. HOW ARE THEY FINDING ME???

lol upheaval. Anyway! Still working through it so this is like Part 1! I've been getting this desperate feeling of like wanting to just cut my losses and move to another journal but I'm shallow and a.) like this username and b.) have paid time!

I will get around to like actually. Explaining myself and my issues eventually but um. Please be patient. I need to sort it out my way. So actually what this post really is... is something I never thought I'd do? Flist-cuuuuut. Because I do want to get back to using this again properly. So this um... a free pass to take me off your flist? If you're like wondering "who is this strange person I never see them post".

But if for some reason you want to stay on or keep me or... how do people do these things anyway. Please answer:

I rarely friendslock my posts so you don't... need to add me to read my stuff. This journal will likely contain: fandom squeeing, talking about roleplay, occasional srs topic, obnoxious sparkles and gifs, recs, quotes, failure. Again there's no need to add me to read any of that.

So. If you want to stay on, let's talk! Please tell me why you'd want to stay on. Who am I to you?

I guess I got into the habit of... well yes yes we all know LJ flist =/= actual friendships but... it's my flist and I want to define mine that way! I got into accepting how... one dimensional fandom-based acquaintances can be. And of making myself one-dimensional always asking if what I'm posting would be /relevant/ to anyone's interests. And I'm not saying having connections based on fandom or roleplay is a bad thing! That's where deeper friendships start from? But it doesn't take anything away from the fun of strictly fandom friendships. That's no less genuine. But I guess I'd like... to have that clear. On where we stand with each other I guess?

So um please comment! Let's talk. All comments screened if you want to retain privacy or you can ping me on heart keeps time.

No matter what, I am incredibly grateful for everything you've shared with me and thankful that you let me share things with you too.

ETA: sob I'm aware this seems dramatic but this is for the ultimate goal of less! drama! tl;dr the people i want to spend hours online with are people i want to know are my friends or think of me as friends or i at least know what expectations they have of me. I don't like losing hours being angry or resentful or whining about so-and-so because things are unclear. That's not the person I want to be and it's not fair to others either.

No burnt bridges this way okay? Again. I'm grateful.

If you're not on my plurk and was (for some reason) concerned: I'm okay! Stranded at work but at least I didn't like. Drown. House got flooded in but it isn't as bad... as other places. May not have 'net at home for a while but at least I can actually go home now.

I was going to do a witty "An Open Letter to the Inaptly Named Service Assurance Department at Work" but I am too. cheesed. off.

So you know how I'm working full-time and studying? Yeah that is my life. How am I able to balance it (and not quite well, might I add)? Because I applied for scheduling preference at work (which would otherwise stick me in whatever shitty slot namely 12 MIDNIGHT OR WHATEVER THE FUCK CRAPASS SCHEDULE LANDS TO BOTTOMFEEDING TEAMS LIKE I GOT MYSELF IN), my days off at work are on the days I have my classes. This arrangement was supposed to continue until the end of the semester.

It is the beginning of September.

The semester here is not over.

But next week? Rather than the schedule I spent nearly two weeks processing paperwork for?

I GET A CRAPASS SCHEDULE OF 11:30 PM TO 7 AM which I didn't get to check properly due to the blinding rage but I'm pretty sure would mean I would need to split my sleeping hours yet again holy incoherent rage batman!

I can't cope with that.

Bitch is gonna get tenderly disputed.

The one thing I love about my work is how it gives me an insane amount of time to read (without actually being paid to read) which... honestly I haven't been able to do half as much as I used to when I really got into RP'ing.

...of course this means i've been going through a fuckton of books and whittling away at my hefty salary JUST FROM HAVING TO BUY BOOKS TO READ WHILE I'M AT WORK. WHICH ENSURES THAT I MUST CONTINUE AT THIS JOB FOR I AM SAVING HARDLY ANY MONEY.

It's a cycle. Anyway on to the real point of this post.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE READING The Gone-Away World by NICK HARKAWAY RIGHT NOW

"All right then. So, you are fucked. Am I right?" Ronnie Cheung waves to indicate that I should respond.

"Yes, Ronnie, you are."

"Yes, I am. You are fucked. You are desirous of getting unfucked. Unfucking is considerably more difficult than fucking. The Second Law of ther-mo-dynamics---because if you were thinking even for a minute that you are better educated than I am and therefore superior, Bumhole, you were mistaken---does not look with kindness upon unfucking. The level of fuckedness in a system always increases unless something acts on it from the outside. Worse yet, Bumhole, you do not own your own fuckedness. You do not appreciate the fullness of the fucking which has happened to you. You cannot hope to amend your situation without knowing what it is."

.../waits for someone to fucking turn this into a shit-ass movie adaptation

Actual account of Tatsie Day! after this but I need to get this out before my innate tsuntsun-ness takes over.

It's the simple gestures that get to me.

Because they... they aren't small to me. Or it's that it's something you regard as inconsequential, as something you just impulsively decided to do 'just because'. That is what staggers me about people.

Do you even know how much it... knocks me off balance when people do things as simple as saying they want to meet me and then going out of their way to do it. To seeing something and then thinking that it reminds them of me or thinking it'd be something I'd like and then sending it over. No special occasion or anything. They aren't nothing to me, really. They're a something actually that's why I just completely fail at communicating how grateful I am for that, for what you do, for that small thing, for being thought of even in that small thing.

'It's the thought that counts'... that's not really just some cliché to me. Because for me, the thought counts for everything. Why would you want to see me? Why would you want to spend time with me? Why would you think of me? And don't get me wrong, I don't think of these things in a self-pitying way! I don't really know how to explain it. It's not that I have low self-esteem. I do think I'm a generally swell person. My first impulses are to kindness, to wanting to help, to wanting to make people happy. But I'm also selfish. I'm extremely selfish though I don't think it's in a very malicious or hurtful way. But it's the sort of selfishness where I'm absolutely anchored in my own experience, in my own head. Maybe that's why these... small acts get to me that way. Because why would you want to spend time with me outside of the gathering of chat? Why would you think of me past my immediate presence?

I'm still not explaining it very well am I? I don't have my usual facility with words for this. It's been a while since I've written anything honest.

I guess it's sort of... this LJish mindset. I'm comfortable with a small flist because the people on it are people I'm comfortable with. I don't feel like I have to censor myself or if my inane shit is something anyone would care about. But then the larger it gets the more awkward I feel. What is with my issue about censoring myself when almost all my posts are public anyway? When I mostly talk about fandom and rp? But it turns out it isn't about what I say or how I'm saying it, but where. I'll be on people's flists. My inane shit will turn up, take up space between community posts and flocked posts of things people choose to reveal under filter. It's like the intrusion of that small bit of my life in that space of yours. Why would anyone care?

My answer, the answer that finally occurred to me after today technically isn't an answer at all.

Because again it was about me.

I'm such a selfish girl.

It's not about whether I'm taking up space, whether my inane shit is something you'd want to read or not.

It's that you've made room for me.

Thank you for the space.

So this is a thank you to everyone on my flist. Thank you to everyone in chat.

Thanks especially to Rizu for the just because.

Thanks especially to Nyadeth for the asking when even I'd forgotten.

Thanks especially to Tatsie and Grey for today.